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I had imagined age differently. Somewhere in my unconscious, ghosted pictures of tires, where-to-do grain fields in autumn, full and heavy-hearted apple trees and the annual wine harvest in South Tyrol. And the reality? The bowl feeling of being randomly flushed onto the side of the flow of life like a drought, fell -fallen by the tree. Launch and fog layers from loneliness and melancholy, which were increasingly about my consciousness and persisted there for days, for weeks.
The burning and consuming envy of all young people who are still open to life who still carry the treasure of unused time.
Everything had actually started so well and promising. Studied psychology and training as a psychoanalyst. Marriage with Karin, who is currently completing her training as a dentist. Birth of our Son Thomas and four years later our Daughter Angelika.
Building your own, well -known practice in the city center. Regular lectures at the university. Our house was in an elegant residential area. Our garden was so big that there would have been a more space for another single -family house in it.
In short – a steady uphill on the career ladder. The sun of life seemed in the middle of the face for years. But as it says in the Bible: “Who God loves, he puts it on the rehearsal!“It went in a feast.
Suddenly to have missed the forty, this bowl, bitter feeling, despite everything, the essentials in your own life. The same work in practice with the same problems and ensure strangers.
Karin and I had lived apart in our marriage and alienated. We lived next to each other for a while, then Karin pulled the ripcord. Divorce two years ago. We behave like adults and brought the separation to the stage as inconspicuously and painless as possible as possible.
Karin received most of our fortune, I remained the empty house full of memories at my own request. Thomas and Angelika have long since taken their own way. My university career had also got stuck in the sand at some point – so the bill looked out.
Shortly after the divorce, the director of the nursing school asked me if I were willing to do lectures on the topic:
To keep “developmental psychology” and “dealing with sick and dying”. I was happy about the variety and thanked gratefully.
So I was full of future nurses and nurses twice a week in a Vör reading hall. The concentrated power and energy of the youth directly in front of my eyes. I enjoyed passing on as much as possible from my theoretical and practical knowledge. It happened the way it had to.
What do you do if you happen to meet a lawyer at a party? Right, you ask him for advice to avoid the dizzying fee of lawyers.
What do young people do when an old, experienced psychologist and therapist gives lectures? You ask during the break and about the lectures for advice on the small and major problems of everyday life. I would like to answer the questions, somewhere I felt used and honored. Among the many students who were looking for my advice, Miriam was too.
She stood in the first year of her training. I can still remember our first meeting. About a meter of sixty, medium -length, brown hair, large, moody eyes. You saw immediately: life was too heavy, too much for her.
She dressed up, inconspicuous. The wide, beige sweater shot on her lean body.
She hesitantly reported on her parents’ gruesome divorce war, of which difficulties in her clique, of her unfulfilled dreams and longings. I went as much as I was able to deal with your situation. Since then Miriam has been a permanent guest in my breaks and loyal soul for interesting questions about the lectures.
She always sat in the front row on the far right, wrote eagerly and was always the first to laugh about my punch lines and the last one who lost attention. Over time, I knew everything about hers Family, About her friends, yes, as a concealed therapist also about her love – and sex life. The short, shameful one-night stands in puberty, the shell feeling afterwards, the longer love affairs and the associated disappointments.
The first year of training came to an end, the vacation came. I flew to Canada and went into the infinite forests of the north.
All I found was mosquitoes, sleepless nights full of bitterness and grief and the knowledge that the stranger did not offer the solution to my problems. The next year of training came and began as the old one had stopped: Twice a week, lectures and breaks questions and discussions. Miriam was also on the spot again: the same young woman, the same problems as a year ago, probably the same answers from me. In the evening I tinned alone through the various inner city restaurants, hungry for confirmation and recognition like a young dog.
I found smoky local, overcrowded scene meetings, blazed young women who knew about the price of their beauty and youth and older women who, like me, were disappointed and frozen. I didn’t find what I was looking for.
The last year of training for the class in which Miriam was sitting started. The topic of the lecture was: “The ego and its defense mechanisms, with special consideration of the theories of Sigmund Freud”. Maybe sound a bit dry for a layperson, but it is not.
In the meantime, my lectures at the routine nursing school have become everyday life. Of course, young people kept coming up for advice, but most of them stood together during the breaks, smoked and laughed. They celebrated their lives and loved a devil around me and my needs and longings. When I was on the road with a public transport and a young girl admired, she felt not honored and valued, but rather bothered and disturbed in peace.
I now read melancholic poems from Trakl and Lenau on my quiet evenings and made my grief in some good bottle of French red wine.
The first Tuesday lectures have the focus: “Replace and move”. During the break, a young woman stood in front of me. Maybe the progressive age makes a little more vulnerable, easy to touch, I don’t know. The sight of the young woman definitely took my breath away from me.
It was the flowering life, the erotic promise and sensuality that has become shaped. Plump, big, firm breasts arched their close T-shirt. As an outsider, I asked myself how a woman could only keep the balance with such a huge, expansive stem in everyday life. Your charming, natural laugh went straight to heart.
Fragrant, freshly washed hair flattered a beautiful face that browses out on the inside.
“Doctor, I have a question!“The voice came to me, trusted. Her eyes beamed at me. Only now did I recognize them. It was Miriam, the ugly, gray duckling from the first two years of training.
What had nature done to it during the summer vacation. It was like another woman, who was completely strange,. I hadn’t even understood the question she had formulated. The bell that announced the end of the break saved me from the embarrassing silence.
The next hour of the lecture was for me and certainly also for my audience a only agony, a hurdle run of the embarrassment. I was known for my living, funny, varied lecture. Now I stood in front of the class like a disturbed, stuttering and stammering young teacher.
I just couldn’t turn my eyes from Miriam, from her face, her plump breasts, her laughter, her figure.
I laboriously brought the lecture to the rounds. The school bell saved again. My listeners packed their things together and sought the outcome. Miriam stood in front of me again.
“Doctor, you have not yet answered my question!“An iron profession is considered a psychoanalyst: no erotic and sexual contacts with the clients. I have been a full -time psychologist for over 20 years now and had never broken this law. Sometimes there were sometimes situations in which you secretly looked at your clients and imagined how it would be in bed with them. But this did not happen very often and if only for a short moment.
Then I had my version again and led the therapy lesson to the end and confidently. Now Miriam stood in front of me and I knew what I wanted. I wanted to have her, have in bed, have at my side, have naked, have all the situation. I knew that this was not a good age, an age difference of over 30 years is not so easy to get away.
The young woman in front of me was younger than my own daughter. At the same time, another voice screamed in my inner alarm. Miriam had never been into my practice, had never paid a therapy lesson, but what were our conversations after the lectures something other than psychological consultations? And exactly for this the rule of abstinence before each erotic Contact. Professional ethos, professional ethos, I had to go to her, near her, enjoy her blooming life.
I listened to myself, as I said: “I can’t answer your question on the spot, you have time and desire to go to the cafe with me?“Now came the hour of truth.
She had to feel and feel that there was more than my pedagogical wish to answer her question comprehensively. She was probably in a fixed connection, her friend might even wait at the main entrance, while inside an old, lonely teacher tried to take life with both hands again.
Miriam beamed at me: “Gladly!“I had parked my car in the underground car park. I didn’t want to go to my car with Miriam before the eyes of all students and colleagues.
“Fine, we meet on the corner of Maximilianstrasse, I just go to get my car quickly!“Miriam grabbed her backpack, stowed her college folder and the writing pen and she was gone with a friendly smile on her lips. I walked the way to the underground car park.
Now I still had the opportunity to react. I knew that I didn’t have much time left. I was so obsessed with the young woman, from her body, of her presence that only iron self -discipline could prevent worse things. The head screamed “alarm”, but the longing showed me the way.
As in a trance I found my car, turned the start key. The engine started silky and the car slid over a steep ramp out of the darkness and tightness of the underground garage the wide and brightness of a radiant autumn day. Outside the life pulps. The streets were clogged as usual, and people hurried on the walkers.
Miriam stood at the front of the corner and looked for me and my car. I had an old fool forgot to tell her what kind of car I was driving. I stopped right in front of her. She looked into the car, made sure of those who stayed in front of her and let himself be relieved to the seat next to me.
With a quiet “Blobb” the door closed. I looked back into the rearview mirror and lined up again in the flowing traffic.
The School For nursing was in the center of the city – surrounded by cafe houses and restaurants. But I didn’t want to see any colleague or student. That’s why I steered the car onto the outer ring motorway, out of the city.
Outside, in the suburbs, I knew a small restaurant where we would be undisturbed. Now it was important to fill the space between us, not to let any embarrassing silence arise. I told Miriam about my summer vacation in Sweden, where I had conquered the lake landscape for two weeks alone in the canoe. The landscape slid over outside.
I enjoyed Miriam’s present. Her mini skirt had slipped up a bit, I could see too much of her tight, young thighs. The warm light of the autumn sun lay down like a golden blanket in the car, wrapped everything up, warmed up everything.
Few cars stood in the parking lot of the small restaurant. Proudly like a top dog, I entered the dining room in Miriam’s accompaniment.
We chatted over the god and the world. We came to their hobbies from psychology and from their hobbies we landed on their summer vacation. I watched each of her words wide awake and suspicious. Every moment I expected that the speech came to her friend as a matter of course, on the man who meant something to whom she gave her love and attention.
Nothing like that happened. The afternoon came to an end. I didn’t want to let her go, not now, not today, never again.
“It was such a nice afternoon for me. I don’t just like to stop him now.
Let’s go to me something else?“Now I saw a knowing flare in your eyes for a short moment. There was no longer the experienced teacher with his inquisitive student at the table. Suddenly there was the adult man with a young woman who dawned, whereupon the whole story might amount to.
My soul was armed with the impending disappointment. I already knew the many popular excuses.
“Gladly, only today I already have something in mind!“Or“ I still have to buy something urgently, at 7 p.m. the shops close!“Nothing like that happened.
Miriam looked at me and her eyes stayed on my face for a few short moments.
“Gladly, but I have to go past a shop beforehand, otherwise I am standing in front of closed doors!“Together we were looking for a food market on the way back. What else is annoying for me in everyday life, everyday routine, became a pleasurable, erotic matter with her. I just enjoyed everything. The entrance to the business, the bright neon lamps, the late customers, some of whom stealed us.
We looked for a suitable wine with a laugh and decided on a light Italian. Then there were cheese, ham and a freshly fragrant flat bread. With the scent of the bread in the car We drove home at dusk under the glow of the street lamps.
Both Miriam and I had become quiet. There was nothing to be heard except for singing the tires on the asphalt and whirring the engine.
Each of us knew or fantasized what would expect him. I knew it. I didn’t have much time and opportunities to stop the train that rolled down the slope faster and faster. I was about to sexually seduce a student of me.
No matter how old the young lady was, student remained a student. I already saw the headlines of the local sheets: Referred therapist abuses dependency relationship!Now there was still an opportunity to stop the whole process. I was able to pretend an important appointment, an urgent crisis intervention. I would bring Miriam to her, and tomorrow the world might look very different again: cooled, normal, more frequent.
Although I have all the arguments for and against in my head-I did nothing.
I could watch myself in my inaction. With every second I approached my apartment more, there was less scope. What in Miriam in these moments?I parked the car right in front of the front door. We got the shopping bag out of the car and I locked up.
Today in the morning I had left the house as a single, divorced, lonely psychologist. As a lover, courtship, and blind foie, I returned. If I had known who I would bring home in the evening, I would have cleaned up something. Miriam did not show with any emotion that she disturbed the “creative chaos”.
We brought the food into the kitchen. While I got the glasses and the wine opener, Miriam entered the living room. The living room is my favorite lounge. Every vacancy on the walls is completed with books.
Everything is free forward, open. A huge glass veranda separates the room from the terrace paved with black stone slabs.
Miriam stood in front of the large glass surfaces and looked outwards. The house is on a small hill. The city’s lights were among us.
I stepped quietly behind her and gently put my arms around her body. She put her head on my shoulder gently. I turned to her, took her face in both hands and kissed her on her mouth. Miriam is a good head smaller than me.
She stood on her tiptoe and replied my kiss full of devotion. In demand, my hands drove to their plump breasts and the folded abundance. I still had her so tight all my life and so big breasts in my hands. My tongue greedily pushed into her opened mouth.
We lost the balance and tilted each other huged on the soft floor covered with a woolen carpet. I’m rolling on her. Your thighs willingly opened up. Hungry and greedy touched our heated pelvis.
I pushed her mini over her pelvis and pulled her panties off her legs with her pantyhose.
I hurriedly got rid of my pants. I lay back between her legs and put my limb on her hairy opening. She was wet and picked me up slightly. I slid slowly and carefully into them.
Since I knew from her that she had already had several lovers, I was surprised how tight she was. It was an infinite genus to slide like a hungry snake into their warmth and excitement. I felt like an emigrant who finally comes home after decades of absence. Everything was there, everything fit, everything was a genus.
I pushed her the t-shirt over the breasts. Wrapped into a strong bra, their full balls lay under me. Without talking to each other, we agreed to our rhythm of excitement. I took her in flowing, moving movements and her pelvis came towards me willing and openly.
Since I knew I had been sterilized for years, contraception was not an issue.
It was surprised that Miriam, who couldn’t know that, let me slide into her without any protection. If she was fertile and I would not have been soblöd to be prevented by the vasophery guides, then we could testify the child of our hunger and our desire at this moment. My bumps became more and more greedy, and greedy. My hands massaged her breasts, my pelvis bored into her soft and warm body.
Miriam kept her legs spread wide. From the corner of the eye I saw her firm, tight thighs. I felt how pleasure tore me with myself. I drove like a felled tribe on the raging stream of devotion and desire.
I had long since lost all control over myself. I was just more desire and devotion to the wonderful young woman among me. I wanted to give her everything, everything. All my feeling, all my knowledge, my experience, my fortune, my love, my life, everything ..
Red spots spread on her face, her neck, her torso, like a rash of love.
What a woman, what sensuality. I slid out of her and turned her on all fours. I wanted to see her huge breasts swing while I came into her. I climbed her from behind like a horny bull the cow you attracted it.
Your gender was ready and took me smoothly. I slid deeply into her until I touched her cervix. My hands greedily encompassed their huge teats and yet could only take a small part of them in hand. Our love play became increasingly violent, more and more passionate.
Her small, perfect buttock was right in front of my eyes.
I held onto her buttocks with both hands and ram into her.
Suddenly I had the feeling that someone was introducing strong stream into my spinal cord. A never guessed, never felt wave of lust grabbed me and tore me away. As if through a thick fog, I saw myself travel with Miriam.
We both had grown together like the life -size figure of a sculptor who had set himself the task of letting dedication and lust. There was no longer me, there was no longer she, there was only us. The room around us crumbled, the time sank down in the vortex of lust. We were just meat, desire, sexuality.
The smell of her heated skin wrapped me in, the scent of her cunt, her thighs, her armpits fueled me and carried me away on the carpet of common sensuality. I felt the sources of lust out of the top depths of the earth. Hot, boiling seeds rose in me and chased the vasopher. I poured out in her.
At the same moment, Miriam was also carried away by the Wögen of her climax. Convinced closely, interwoven, we stirred ourselves up overwhelming and rotating in the black all of the never -ending moment ….
At some point in the night I woke up. Probably I got cold. We were still on the soft carpet side by side.
Miriam slept firmly and calmly. I could have stare at her for hours in her nudity and completion. I got up quietly and got two blankets out of the bedroom. I gently covered Miriam.
How would it go on tomorrow?I had crossed an invisible border, nothing would be as it was once.
I knew that all the relevant bodies would disapprov my behavior. The ethics committee of the analysts, the union of educators, the local population, the teaching staff of the nursing school, they all.
And how will Miriam react when she wakes up? Probably close, familiar tomorrow, tender. But what will be in five or six years? Will she still interpret my behavior as a real expression of my love, my desire, or is it nothing more for her like the shameless exploitation of a relationship of authority and dependency?I didn’t know, didn’t want to know it at all. The fate had me again encounter Gifted with life itself.
I was infinitely grateful for this undeserved gift. I would accept it, wear as long as I would be given time for it.
I used to expect it for ages when I was young. Now, at fifty, every moment was a gift of life.
I snuggled up to Miriam under the ceiling. In her sleep she pressed her warm, naked body trustingly to me.
I hug her and fell asleep.
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